Category Archives: Recipe

Bacon Bourbon Pecan Pie

When I was 11 years old, a friend and I got individual snack sized pecan pies. His looked exactly like a miniature pecan pie should. Mine looked like a fuzzy mix between a science experiment and a Chia Pet. Pete was a year older than I, and being older and wiser, it made perfect sense when he suggested I just scrape off the mold and eat it anyway.

It was 20 years before I could eat pecan pie again.

Fortunately, much like my aversion to whiskey which was achieved by somewhat similar methodology, I eventually overcame my repulsion to pecan pie. Pecan pie is an American tradition of southern cooking that is widely popular during the holiday season. Like many American traditions, its origins are somewhat murky and romanticized with advocates refusing to believe it could possibly be a recent innovation designed as a marketing scheme for product promotion. All evidence suggests Pecan Pie was a 20th century innovation designed to sell Karo corn syrup. Sorry. That doesn’t make it any less delicious though.

So if Pecan Pie is so delicious, why the need to constantly modify ingredients and ratios? Why are there so many different recipes? Two reasons. 1. Some people are just plain wrong. 2. Adding bacon and bourbon makes just about everything better.

Crust
1 1/4 cups of AP flour
1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup of cold solid fat (butter, bacon grease, lard, or {shudder} shortening)
3 tbsp of cold water

Start with the bacon. Line a baking tray with aluminum foil and pre heat your oven to 400f. Lay in 6 slices of bacon. Cooking time will vary depending on how thick your bacon is, how streaky it is, and how big your baking tray is. A good rule of thumb is to flip the bacon in the tray and rotate it every 10 minutes. 20 minutes is usually enough. Don’t completely crisp the bacon up as you would for breakfast, otherwise your pie will get a slight burnt bacon flavor.

Lining the tray with foil makes for easy cleanup, and allows you to easily pour off the grease to save for later use. Cooking the bacon in the oven allows the bacon to cook evenly without curling up. If you really prefer to fry it, do so, I’m not your mother.

I use a scratch made pie crust because I think Pillsbury is part of an international conspiracy to make me fat and stupid, and because it tastes better. You can use a pre-made crust if you hate yourself, America, and good pie. Making your own crust will take about 30 extra minutes and allow you to tell everyone how you made the whole thing from scratch. Feel free to use a superior tone of voice, you’ve earned it.

In a big bowl whisk together the AP flour, salt and sugar. Using a pastry blender or two forks, cut the fat into the flour until the mixture comes together in small nodules from the size of a pea to the size of meal.

A word on fat. Shortening sucks. It is scientifically proven to make you obese. Bacon fat, lard and butter, on the other hand, are pretty good for you as long as you don’t snack on them by the spoonful. Also, they are much more tasty than shortening. Each will yield slightly different textures. I like to use a half and half mixture of cold butter and cold bacon grease.

After the fat is cut in, sprinkle on the cold water in small amounts while tossing the dough with a spoon. How much water you’ll need depends entirely on the humidity where you are. Start with 3 tablespoons, add more as needed until the dough starts to form together and clumps easily when squeezed. This is something you’ll get better at the more you do, but is really hard to explain in text.

Dust your rolling surface with flour, and roll out your dough until it’s large enough to fit in your pie pan with about an inch of overhang. Pat the dough gently into the pan, and trim the edges. Pinch along the rim to make a decorative edge.

Cover with aluminum foil and lay in some pie weights. If you don’t have pie weights, you can use dried beans. Bake in your 400f oven for 20 minutes.

While the pie crust is baking, start on the filling.

2 cups pecan
1tbspn bacon grease
6 slices of bacon, cooked and chopped.
3 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup Maple syrup
1 cup corn syrup
5 tbsp butter
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
2 oz bourbon

Roughly chop the pecans. Mix the pecans with a tablespoon of bacon grease in a large non stick skillet. Heat over medium heat, to toast the nuts. Keep an eye on them, they will go from toasted to burnt very quickly.

In a large mixing bowl, whisk the eggs, salt and sugar until well combined. Melt the butter and whisk it into the eggs. Chop up the bacon you cooked and mix it, along with the rest of the ingredients into the egg mixture. When the pecans are toasted, set them aside until the pie crust is baked.

If you’re a vegetarian, or for some other inexplicable reason don’t want bacon in your pie, feel free to omit it. The real secret to the flavor here is the bourbon and the maple syrup.

When the pie crust is done, pull out the pie weights, and reduce the heat to 375f. Mix the pecans with the rest of the filling, and then pour it into the crust. Bake until the center quivers but is set, about 35-45 minutes.

Merry Christmas, you’re now the most popular person you know.

Bachelor Weekend Cooking: The Shooter’s Sandwich

Cameron and Logan went to Denver to visit with friends this weekend, leaving me home alone.

Grocery Store Mobile

I’m told that Logan has spent his time playing in the snow. Snow is something of a novelty in Las Vegas, and on those rare occaisions he’s encountered it in his short life, he seems to have enjoyed it.

Playing in the snow

Mostly he just seems to enjoy eating it.

Snow Slide

Instead of fighting off comically bungling burglars with an array of increasingly complex Rube Goldberg machines assembled from common household objects, I have elected to spend my time cleaning, playing video games, and watching reruns of Babylon 5. Also, cooking extraordinarily manly food. The kind of food that enriches a man’s spirit and despite being delicious and satisfying, is the kind of thing that wife’s tend to roll their eyes at.

The Shooter’s Sandwich first came to my attention sometime in the late 90s by way of an episode of Two Fat Ladies. If you’re familiar with the show, then you likely know that what follows is unlikely to be considered diet food. If you’re not familiar with the show, you could probably deduce the same from the title which accurately described the two hosts. Fun Two Fat Lady fact; the surviving member of the pair’s full name is Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmerelda Dickson Wright, and prior to spending time homeless and as an alcoholic, was the youngest woman called to the Bar as a barrister in the United Kingdom.

According to the history I’ve heard, the Shooter’s Sandwich was despised in Britian as a hearty meal that could be easily transported and serve as a meal, or two, for a hunting party. The sandwich is, at it’s most simple level, meat and a sauced mix of vegetables, crammed into an entire loaf of bread and then smashed for hours under a heavy weight and wrapped in layers of paper. You can use any meat that can be safely prepared raw, but as I understand it beef is traditional.

Ingredients

A loaf of bread
4-7 oz of butter
2 yummy steaks
Mushrooms
Garlic
Shallots
Stone ground mustard
Prepared Horseradish
Tarragon
Bourbon
Worcestershire sauce
salt and pepper

Start with a crusty loaf of bread approximately the same size as the cuts of meat you’ll be using. You want a strong bread, because we’re going to be abusing it. I’ve selected a large sourdough boule. Lop off the top of the loaf and scoop out most of the interior. Hooray! You’ve made a bread bowl. Save those crumbs if you want, we won’t be using them. Set your steaks out to warm up on the counter, and give them a good sprinkling of salt. I’m using rib eye steak because it’s the most flavorful of all the beef bits.

Prep the loaf

Time for your miss en place. That’s a fancy French culinary term for getting your shit together. It helps. Mince up the shallots, and garlic, and roughly chop the mushrooms. I’m using about 6 cloves of garlic, 4 large shallots, 6 mini portabellas and 6 of whatever variety of generic white mushroom every grocery store seems to have on hand. There’s also 2 teaspoons of tarragon, 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire, 1/3 cup of bourbon and an Armscor 1911 chambered in .45 ACP. The pistol isn’t strictly necessary I guess.

Mise en place

Melt the butter in a medium hot skillet and toss in the shallots and mushrooms. Don’t add any seasoning yet. Cook the veggies until the volume is reduced considerably and most of the liquid is cooked off, stirring frequently. About 10 minutes. Toss in the garlic and Worcestershire sauce, and continue to cook until the liquid is mostly cooked off. Deglaze the pan with the bourbon, being careful not to set yourself or your kitchen on fire. The traditional alcohol to use here is cognac, but I’m not French and I drink bourbon. Continue to cook until most of the bourbon is cooked off. Take the pan off the heat, stir in the tarragon and give it salt and pepper to taste.

Soften the veggies

Get a skittle, preferably cast iron, hot. Don’t screw around, you want that thing as screaming hot and dangerous as a junior varsity cheerleader. If you don’t have a cast iron skillet, you can use an aluminum or stainless pan, as long as it isn’t a non stick pan. Get a nonstick pan this hot and it released toxic fumes. No, really. If you don’t have an appropriate skillet, cook it on the grill. If you don’t an appropriate skillet or a grill, stop reading this article and go reflect on the errors you’ve made in your life.

Get pan smoking hot

Give your steaks a light rub of olive oil, you won’t need a lot. Slap the steaks in the pan, and don’t touch them. We’re going for a high heat sear and we want the steaks to be rare. If you’re uncomfortable with that, I suggest you stop being such a whiner. If you’re the kind of person to get squeamish about a rare steak, this sandwich may be too much for you. The more the beef is cooked, the less it will compress in the sandwich and more tough it will be when you eat it. About 90-120 seconds on a side should be enough. If you have an exhaust fan, now would be a good time to turn it on.

Sear steaks

Look at that rich brown crust on those steaks. Now, this is important. Using all your will power, DO NOT eat those steaks. Also, don’t let them cool or rest. You want them oozing juicy goodness into the sandwich.

Begin prep

Cram the first steak into your bread bowl. There’s no cause to be gentle. Treat it like the guy who dinged your car door at the grocery store.

Pack in the first steak

Layer in the veggie mixture. Hopefully you worked fast enough and it’s still hot. At this point, the bread bowl is probably going to be looking a little full. That’s okay. We’re going to smoosh it all down later. That being said however, don’t feel like you’re compelled to use all of the veggies.

Pack in the veggies

Now jack in that other steak. It might take some work. Don’t be afraid to show it the back of your hand.

Slap on the second steak

Smother the top of the steak with a thick layer of prepared horseradish. Slather the inside of the top of the loaf with mustard. Lay it on thick, like a Saturday morning lie.

Spread em

Place the top back on the loaf. Try to match it up so it’s even. See? It all fit.

Replace cap.

Wrap the load up in several layers of waxed paper and then bundle it up with butcher’s twine. Tie it up tight, you want the pressure contained as evenly as possible.

Wrap

Put some heavy weights on top of the sandwich. I’m using a cast iron dutch oven filled with half a dozen cans of refried beans. That’s about 16lbs. Heavier is probably better. Books also make good weights. I would advice against using anything filled with water, as the balance may shift and spill water everywhere.

Weigh it down.

Now comes the really hard part. Wait at least six hours. At least six hours, but you can press it for longer if you desire. It doesn’t need to be refrigerated, it’s still cooking. When I cut into this one after six hours, it was still warm.

Slice and enjoy

Once you’re done pressing the sandwich, cut through the entire bundle, string and paper and everything, and slice the sandwiches into wedges. Revel in the delicious aromas that fill your head. Luxuriate in the earthy sweet flavor of mushrooms and beef. Don’t forget to chew. Chewing is important. I recommend serving this delicious monster with beer, and for god’s sake, don’t try and eat it by yourself in a single seating. Remember, it is an entire loaf of bread stuffed with two steaks and a giant handful of vegetables and fungus.

Pulled Pork Mac and Cheese

Pulled Pork mac and cheese

Macaroni and cheese is an essential element of comfort cooking. For many people, like myself, Kraft Mac and Cheese was a building block of our diets, not only growing up, but into early adult hood when budgets were tight and Kraft was cheap. Kraft Mac and Cheese is velvety smooth, cheesy, delicious, filling, and these days, mostly crap.

Even in the fancier organic mac and cheese boxes there is very little, if any, real cheese included. Even when there is, the ingredients have been processed to such a high degree that they barely resemble food at all. As much as I like the Kraft Mac and Cheese, still, I’m convinced that the packaging actually has more nutritional value than the contents.

Even if it did have real cheese, it doesn’t come with pulled pork, and mine does. Making mac and cheese from scratch is easy, takes very little time, and delivers a far superior product. When it’s done you can be relatively certain that it contains real food and no monosodium poisonate.

Ingredients

  • 16 oz of pasta cooked al dente
  • 4 oz to 16 oz pulled pork
  • 4 tablespoons butter
  • 1/4 cup flour
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • 4 oz to ∞ of cheese
  • Panko bread crumbs
  • salt and pepper to taste

Preheat your oven to 350f. Drop your pasta in boiling water and cook until al dente, about 10 minutes. I like to use elbow macaroni or shells, but really any small pasta with lots of nooks will work well. Don’t be afraid to experiment. When the pasta is done, drain it and toss it into a proper sized baking dish. I’m using a half steam pan.

Cooked pasta into the pan

In a sauce pan, melt the butter over medium heat, but don’t let it brown You can really use any pan or skillet, but because we’re making a sauce here, I prefer a proper sauce pan, one with gently sloping sides that allows the whisk to get in, and made of a heavy slow and even conductor. I’m using a La Creuset cast iron sauce pan here.

Melt the butter
When the butter is melted, dump in the flour and commence to whisking. Whisk away! Continue to whisk constantly for at least 2 minutes. Hooray! You just made a roux. Keep an eye on the temperature and the roux, if it starts to darken, turn down the heat a little. Keep whisking, don’t stop. Cooking the roux for 2 minutes cooks out the flour taste. This is important if you don’t want your mac and cheese to taste like glue. If you like the way glue tastes, I guess you don’t have to bother.

Whisk in the flour
Pour in the cream, and keep whisking. As you whisk, the sauce will start to thicken. Depending on how warm the cream was relative to the roux, and how fast you poured it in, the sauce will either set up quickly or a little more slowly. If you attempted to use fat free milk, it will take longer and be terrible. Don’t do that. Some people will say you should add in the cream slowly, or heat it up first. Since we’re pumping this full of cheese and baking it later, this isn’t really that important.

Pour in the cream and keep whisking
Hey, you just made a Bechamel sauce! You’re a fancy French chef now. Go tell all your friends, but wait until we’re done here first. You don’t want to burn the sauce, and ruin all your new French Chef cred. The Bechamel, or sauce blanche, is one of the French mother sauces and is the basis for a number of super delicious sauces such as Mornay and Soubise sauce. You may have also noticed that it’s basically just gravy. I just saved you three weeks of culinary school.

When the sauce is done to your desired consistency, coating the back of a spoon is a common test, lower the heat and pop in the cheese. Add the cheese in a bit at a time, other wise it will be hard to stir in smoothly and it may break or clump. Since you stuck a spoon in it,  you might as well taste it. Resist the urge to eat it all. Add salt or pepper as you see fit.

Keep whisking until thickened

A word about cheese. Use a cheese that is a good melter. I like smoked gouda. Hard cheeses can be used, but will often yield a grainy texture after baking. I like to add a little manchego because I like the flavor. Cheddar is the typical American addition, and works, but it has a tendency to break more often in my opinion and why use cheddar when you can use something as tasty as smoked gouda? It’s really a matter of taste though, as is the amount. The more cheese you put in, the cheesier your mac and cheese will be. 4 ounces is about the minimum and 8 ounces is a good place to stop before going crazy.

Pour in the cheese sauce.
When the cheese is all melted in to the sauce, pour it over the pasta and mix it up good. Toss in the pulled pork and mix to combine. Wait, you don’t have pulled pork? I’m shocked. Shocked I tell you. Well, we’ll cover that some other time. For now, reasonable pulled pork can be had at the grocery. I’m so embarrassed right now.

Pulled pork
Pat the mixture down evenly and, oh wait. Listen, the baking part. It’s not really necessary. You can eat it just like that. Go ahead, I won’t stop you. Baking does make it kinda tastier though. Still with me? Okay, pat the mixture down evenly and sprinkle the Panko bread crumbs in a layer over the top. I like to spritz it with a little olive oil too, just to make the crumbs crisper. Panko isn’t necessary if you don’t have any. Any bread crumbs will do, they just aren’t as tasty. Hell, you can replace the bread crumbs altogether with crumbled bacon.

Cover in Panko
Pop the pan in the oven for 30 minutes and sit on your hands. You have to sit on your hands because your kitchen will start to smell like miracles and fairytales and you’ll want to pull the mac and cheese out before it’s done.

Just look at that cheesy goodnesss!
Serve immediately. Serves up to eight, or as few as one.

Baby food. Easy, nutritous and super cheap.

I am an unrepentant foodie. Most of the television shows I watch are programs about food. I watch programs about how to cook the food, the people who cook the food, where they buy the food, how the food is different in other cities and countries, and the science that makes food do what it does. I buy cook books with compulsiveness of an addict, even going so far as to purchase instructive text books for culinary students. When we went to Europe, we visited the local food markets at every opportunity. I cook nearly all the meals in our house.

I like food.

If I like food so much, why should my son eat processed food pastes?

Logan started eating solid food recently, and while he seems more confused and curious about the experience than anything else, he dutifully eats his servings. I want my son to be healthy. I want him to have a fair chance of beating the odds against the diabetes epidemic that is sweeping our country. I want him to LIKE food.

So I make his baby food.

This is so much easier than it seems on the surface. About an hour of my time and $3 worth of produce can yield nearly 40 servings for the little fella. When I’ve completed the task, not only am I filled with the sense that I am having a positive impact on my son’s life during his most formative years, but I’m left wondering why anyone buys baby food.

First of all, it’s expensive. Even in bulk it can cost more than a dollar a jar for baby food, leaving me to believe that most of the purchase cost is subsidizing the miniature glass jar industry. The food in those jars has typically been processed to a high degree, and while it increasingly includes organic ingredients, the provenience of these fruits and vegetables is unclear. Where did that food come from? What shape was it in before being sent through a mass production process watched over by robots more interested in preserving profit than the health of the customers? And what of those preservatives? What is the long term impact of ingesting calcium benzoate or sodium metabisulphite?

So, I make my own baby food. Following is the recipe I used for sweet potatoes. You can use the same recipe and preparation method for virtually any vegetable, the only difference being the amount of time needed to steam the product. Some vegetables, like the delicious and nutritious avocado, don’t need to be steamed at all. If you don’t have a steam basket, buy one, they’re super cheap and it will last you decades.

  • 3 sweet potatoes
  • 1 1/4 cup of water

Peel the sweet potatoes and then cut into  3/4″ to 1″ cubes.

Peel the sweet potatoes
Place in a steam basket, making sure the water doesn’t rise into the basket. Steam for 20 minutes.
Cube and steam
Add the water and steamed sweet potatoes to a blender, and blend until smooth. It won’t take long. I’m using a Blendtec blender, because I have one, and they are awesome. Realistically, once steamed the sweet potatoes are tender enough you could probably blend them with a fork.
Pop in the blender and puree
While you’re waiting for the mixture to cool a bit, scoop some out and make yourself a snack. Here I’ve added a little butter, some cinnamon and maple syrup. It’s delicious and the perfect reward for doing the right thing for your child.
Treat yourself!
Once you’ve had your snack, the mixture is probably cool enough to prep. Line a baking tray with waxed paper and scoop out little portions in neat rows. I’m aiming for 2 teaspoons, and so I’m using a #60 scoop because it’s easy to use. You could use teaspoons, serving spoons or a garden spade, it really depends on how big your baby is.

Measure out

I’m also using quarter sheet pans because they fit in my freezer just right. You can get either of these two important cookery tools at any commercial cooking supply store. Most sell to the public.

Bag and tag
Pop the trays in the freezer and in about 20-30 minutes, you’ll have frozen little pucks of nutritious baby food. Peel them off the wax paper and pop them into a freezer bag for cold storage. They’ll last in the freezer for months. Probably longer. The three sweet potatoes I used yielded 36 baby servings and 2 adult servings and it cost me about $2.60.

Merry Christmas

It’s Christmas day. Christmas morning is usually a flurry of early morning excitement and flying wrapping paper as gifts are revealed. Baby’s first Christmas was more akin to a whirl of diaper changes and confused disinterest. 10 weeks is likely to young to really appreciate gifts. At this point he really seems to be more interested in his feet, how they got there, and whether or not he can get them in his mouth.

Hanging out with Puddles
All that being said, I don’t have any pictures of Logan opening presents. He mostly slept through the gift presentation portion of the morning.

To make up for that, here is a recipe for bread pudding that is sure to delight.

1 Baguette, sliced into inch thick pieces and allowed to dry out over night.
4 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup heavy cream
3/4 cups sugar
4 tablespoons butter, melted
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1 tablespoon fresh rosemary, chopped fine
1/2 cup sweetened dried cranberries

Preheat the oven to 350f.

Break up the baguette into largish pieces, similar to a 1 inch cube. Place them in an even layer into a 9″ baking dish.

Drizzle the melted butter over the bread, and allow it to soak into the bread while you make the custard mixture.

In a bowl, beat the eggs. Add the cinnamon, nutmeg, sugar, rosemary, and vanilla and beat to combine before whisking in the milk and cream. Whisk until well combined and smooth.

Pour the egg mixture over the bread. Push the mixture down with a fork until it’s even in the pan. Not all the bread needs to be soaked with the egg mixture. Any bread left poking out will be crusty and crunchy. That’s the best part anyway.

Sprinkle the cranberries over the top of the pudding and place into the oven. Bake uncovered for 45 minutes, or until golden brown on the top and set in the middle. Allow to cool and set for 10 minutes before serving.

Serve it with this awesome bourbon sauce. Or, don’t.

8 tablespoons butter
1 cup of sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup of good drinking bourbon.
1 vanilla pod

Melt the butter over medium heat in a sauce pan. Split and scrape the vanilla bean, adding both the butter. Stir the butter and vanilla for 2-3 minutes, if it starts to brown, reduce the heat. Add the sugar and bourbon and continue to whisk until it’s creamy and smooth. Remove the vanilla pod. In a separate bowl whisk the egg. Temper the egg with some of the sauce and then add the egg, whisking vigorously to prevent curdling. Allow to cool for several minutes, and drizzle over pudding just prior to serving.

Thanksgiving

In about half an hour I’m heading out to the airport to pick up my sister and her husband. Tomorrow, their son and his wife and child will arrive. In the morning my dad is coming over to cook breakfast. On Thurday, Cameron’s mother, brother, sister in law and their daughter are joining all the rest of us for dinner.

It’s going to be a full house for Thanksgiving.

I’ve got a menu on paper, my dad is helping with the cooking, and I got some of the prep work out of the way today. I got a pecan pie and the cranberry sauce out of the way, and the pumpkin roasted and pureed for a pumpkin pie. After picking up my sister from the airport, I’ll start the kahlua pulled pork and later tomorrow I’ll put the turkey in the brine.

I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures of Logan’s first Thanksgiving. Until then, here’s the cranberry sauce recipe I developed this afternoon. This should hold you over for a few days.

Pinot Noir Cranberry Sauce

12 oz Cranberries
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup Pinot Noir
1 Orange – zest and juiced
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup Maple syrup
1/4 oz crystallized ginger – Chopped
1 sprig rosemary

Zest and juice the orange. The orange should yield about 1/4 cup of juice. Wash and pick over the cranberries. Add the water, wine, orange zest, orange juice, sugar, maple syrup, crystalized ginger, to a sauce pan. Toss in the sprig of rosemary whole. Boil over medium high until the sugar is dissolved. When the sugar is dissolved, add in the cranberries and continue to boil for 10-13 minutes. Don’t boil any longer than 15 minutes as the pectin will start to break down. The Cranberries will pop, you may want to use a splatter screen. Remove from heat. Remove the rosemary and discard it. Cover  the pan and allow to cool completely. Use immediately, or save in the refrigerator for later use.

Grilled Zucchini

For years I labored under the mistaken impression that I didn’t like zucchini. I can’t say for sure where this prejudice originated. If I forced at gunpoint to guess though, I’d say it was the result of a long standing disagreement I had with most, if not all, members of the squash family. This was a long standing conflict that only reached a period of truce when I stopped residing in my parents home.

This period of my life was known as The Decade Of Freedom From Vegetables And Experimentation With Scurvy. Most people call it bachelorhood. It was marked by dramatic increases in cheeseburgers and rib eyes, and a violent avoidance of most flora as a culinary option. This was an exciting period of my life that featured vitamin C deficiency and flirtation with gum disease. I don’t really recommend it.

Over the last several years, as my quest to not die at an early age from nutritional deficiencies has really picked up steam, I’ve been reintroducing a variety of plants back into my life. I’ve yet to give okra another shot at the pennant, but several other previously vilified representatives of the plant world have been called up from the minor leagues. Among those was zucchini, and what I’ve come to realize is that zucchini is not bad, but it can be made badly. As it turns out, this is true of all food.

The following preparation was improvised for a cook out with friends several weeks ago. There were people in attendance who were not interested in eating meat, so I elected to prepare a meat free alternative. I’m a nice guy like that.

Ingredients

  • dried or fresh herbs (see below)
  • olive oil
  • lemons
  • white wine
  • salt
  • zucchini

Ingredients

Dried or fresh herbs? Man, that’s a debate. I’m not going to get into it now. Just use whichever you like the most, or have available. For this particular batch I used thyme and oregano. In previous batches I used rosemary, savory, and thyme. Dill would probably be good too, but only if you liked dill. How much should you use? I’d say a tablespoon probably of each. Again, it depends on what you like, and keep in mind we’re making a marinade here, not baking a cake. Is that vague enough?

User your microplane to get the zest o… What? You don’t have a microplane? Go buy one. Right now. I’ll wait.

zest the lemons

Got it? Good. Now use your microplane to remove the zest from two lemons. Wait, you still don’t have a microplane? Fine, if you really must, you can carefully slice off the zest with a sharp knife or vegetable peeler. Be careful about getting too much of the pith, the white rind, it’s bitter. Seriously though, get a microplane, they’re awesome and versatile.

Juice both of your naked lemons and add the zest to the lemon juice in a mixing bowl. Toss in the herbs with two generous pinches of salt. Now for the wine. You’ll note that I’ve selected a Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. I’ve selected this wine because that’s what was in my pantry. Feel free to use a chardonnay, riesling, or really any other white wine. My only caution here would be to avoid the old wives tale about not cooking with wine you would drink. It’s silly. You want to cook with wine that tastes good, but balance that with some sense. You don’t want to use a Joseph Drouhin Montrachet Marquis de Laguiche 2006 in a clam sauce. So, I tend to keep some value wines around for cooking.

Whatever wine you choose, add about 1/2 a cup to the mixing bowl. Whisk to combine, and then whisk in several healthy tablespoons of good olive oil. I’m using a Sicilian Val Di Mazara, just because that’s the way I roll. Whisk everything in the mixing bowl real good. Don’t kill yourself, you could mix this with a boat motor and wouldn’t integrate, we haven’t included anything that will work as an emulsifier, so that lemon juice and wine will never combine with the oil totally.

Whisk everything together

Wash your zucchini up, and trim off the ends, but don’t peel it. We need that green skin left on to give it some structure and prevent it from falling apart when we get to the grilling. Cut the zucchini lengthwise in slices that are about 1/4 inch thick. If you cut them too thin, then they’ll go all floppy when they cook and turn to mush. I’m only using two zucchini here, because there’s only two people in my house. We’ve made enough marinade for 4-6 zucchini depending on how big they are and how thick you decide to slice them. 4 zucchini is enough to feed 8 people if this is going to be a side dish, 4 if it’s an entree.

Prep your zucchini

Once your zucchini is all sliced up, toss them into a gallon sized ziplock bag and then pour in your marinade. If you had to, you could do this in a glass or plastic tray or bowl, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The bags are the best way to marinade anything in my opinion. If you use a bag, that’s one more dish you don’t have to wash. Just be sure not to use an aluminium pan for the marinading. There’s a lot of acid in this marinade, and it will react with the aluminium and make everything taste funny as well as maybe ruin your pan if you leave the marinade in long enough. Once the bag is sealed, slosh everything around and try to separate the zucchini slices, they’ll try their darndest to stick together.

Add the marinade

Now’s the easy part. Wait.

Let it sit

Just let that bag sit on the counter for a while. Anywhere from 1/2 an hour up to a few hours. I wouldn’t leave it in there for much more than 2 hours though. While you’re waiting, you can heat up your grill. You want those grates nice and hot to leave some pleasant looking, and tasting, grill marks. Once your grill is hot and you’re done waiting on your marinade, pull the slices out of your bag with some tongs and lay them on the grill. Turn them over after a few minutes, they won’t take long.

Grill

What? You don’t have a grill either? Good gravy. Alright. You can do it in your broiler. After all, a broiler is just an upside down grill, right? It won’t be as nice and you won’t get those tasty grill marks though. Lay the slices out on in a single layer on a baking sheet and place them on the highest rack in your oven under the broiler set to high. Keep an eye on them, and in a minute or two, turn them over and repeat. Do us both a favor though, and get a grill.

Enjoy!

Voila! All done. These make a great side dish for a cookout. They are also a fantastic condiment for a grilled sausage or a bratwurst on a bun. Let em cool, and you can make a tasty vegetarian sandwich with them. Or, you can just take a fork and dig in.